This Is Immortality
by Ananke
Summary: POST-AFIN, Eve reflects on certain aspects of motherhood, death, and life.


Disclaimer: X: WP and all related characters belong to Studios USA Television. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
-  
  
My mother came to me.  
  
I had been months in Chin, isolated by Eli's plea and my own search for redemption from all that was familiar, all that was comforting. My mission of religious conversion in itself seemed a failure already, but I found myself taking smaller pleasures in the day to day rite of humanitarian duty...feeding the lame and the outcast, the bitter and the shamed, placing small, beautifully delicate infant daughters with willing, rebellious families.  
  
During the day I was The Messenger, an accepted face of the area, perhaps not appreciated by officials, but somewhat respected. I had conditioned myself to kill in the name of Eli when necessary, but only to defend others...never myself. Time after time I had run afoul of the wrong people, to barely escape, and I felt that my luck was running out. Passive resistance was rarely anything but suicidal.  
  
By night I was Eve, only Eve. By wrapping myself in thick cloaks and lighting a pyre to the moon, I could sometimes forget that I was not home...that I was alone. The greater part of my conscience assured me that I was doing the good thing, the right thing...that this was to be my road of thorns, and in the end it would lead to reward.  
  
The smaller, more insistent part of my conscience cried that I should be with Mother, with Gabrielle, following their way, or amongst the Amazons. With Gabrielle's Right of Caste, I could have been Queen, of course, of a dying race, a race I had helped kill.  
  
I thought that Eli was right. I deserved none of it, not before...not until I had fully redeemed myself. That night, I did not think myself capable of it...that night, Eve of Amphipolis was a very small, frightened child, longing for her mother's arms and a mother's lullaby heard only once, and remembered for eternity.  
  
I do not remember drifting into sleep, only struggling to stay awake, anxious with the knowledge that an Imperial flank waited for a moment of weakness in which to take me. I had made enemies on my mission, very powerful ones, and I was very alone.  
  
Drift into sleep I did. When I awoke the moon had settled low over the ocean foam, and the small, feeble fire had altered, transformed into a protective ring surrounding me, and though a hundred war faces circled around the outside of it, I was safe in my mother's arms within.   
  
She cradled me with a certain natural grace that I suspect only mothers know the secret to, and her hands were soft and gentle as she covered me with the silky, warm folds of her gown.   
  
Perhaps it was the fire, hypnotic, or perhaps my fear, or the tears I had lulled myself into sleep with, but I found no time to find any of this strange, Xena suddenly by my side in Chin, Xena in flowing robes of scarlet, Xena with no air of urgency or anger about her. She caressed my hair and my face at intervals, blue eyes calmly taking in the soldiers, voice rising and falling with my lullaby.  
  
i "Hush, now, my little one. Please don't you cry. Lay your head down on my shoulder and sigh. Sun's gone away, and Mama will pray...silence will keep all where you sleep..." /i  
  
"Mother." I whispered the word, striving to sit up in her embrace, fear and exhaustion returning all at once.   
  
Her gaze swung from the waiting attackers back to my face, expression settling into faint worry, and comforting love. "I'm here with you, Eve." Her tones became low, stony. "I can't fight your battles for you anymore, baby. I can only love you, and..." Hesitation flickered in the sharp gaze.   
Releasing me, she stood, the scarlet robes swirling in a flurry of sparks and wind, her hand dipping down with in its folds to reveal a weapon...a sword, I recognized, if more ornate than anything she had carried before.   
  
Suddenly, sharply, I recognized its worth from the stories and broken trophies of those I had met in Chin...from Japa, the far isle, a sacred katana, revered and to be unsoiled by mere woman's touch. I recognized also in that moment the difference in her...the fact that while her touch had been solid, it had been cold, and unfamiliar.  
  
And as I pulled the fragile threads of understanding together, Xena placed the katana in my hands, fingers encircling my wrists, lips caressing my cheek with no measurable breath, smiling faintly, sadly. "This is your legacy, Eve, for your path."  
  
And then she was gone, simply gone, and the fire with her, leaving behind only the faint echo of a lullaby and a prayer.   
  
I do not remember lifting the weapon from its sheath, but I did, for moments later I found myself stumbling further along the coastline, and looked back to see the trails of blood showing my path clearly. I believe I screamed, and I know I cursed her, and begged Eli for mercy, and then I threw myself into the foam and did not reemerge until the water threatened to choke all air from my lungs and I felt invisible hands thrusting me back ashore.  
  
Perhaps I would have killed myself, if she had let me.   
  
In time, I gathered my breath, and sat staring at the dawn. With it came a certain calm, an unearthly peace. Xena was a spirit. My mother was dead, and would not allow me to join her. I hurt, and I grieved, and I felt guilt, but I lived, and...  
  
The sun had gone away, but I had a legacy, and a path...  
  
And I had Mother in moonlight, and our lullaby.  
  
And that is why I am here, baby Xera, your poor, battle-scarred mother Eve. Just the same as your grandmother Gabrielle, I've had a purpose all these years, and the love of Xena to carry me through.   
  
You have our eyes, baby, and a warrior's soul lurks within them...and someday the time will come for you to take my place, as Gabrielle's children will carry her legacy on...  
  
Eli was wrong. The glory of sacrificing to serve his one god pales in comparison to the peace I find within me now.  
  
So this is how she felt. This is why Xena fought heaven and hell for me. This is why she died so peacefully. This...this is motherhood.   
  
This is immortality.  
  
FIN 


End file.
